Story & photos by Patrick Alexander

Oregon Coast TODAY

As the Oregon Coast fills with visitors from across the world, hoping for clear skies to greet Monday’s “Great American Eclipse,” one man is promising eclipse satisfaction whatever the weather.

“The first mate and I have been cranking out eclipse cookies,” said Dan Draper of Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop, “black sugar cookies dusted with orange glitter sugar to represent the corona.”

Located on a busy corner in Lincoln City’s Taft district, Captain Dan’s offers a safe harbor for all travelers in search of a warm welcome, sweet treats or a restorative cup of coffee.

As Kathy Draper works her magic in the kitchen, husband Dan greets customers dressed in a pirate tricorne, with his trusty cutlass never far from hand.

Cap’n Dan said the jet-black sugar cookies were the obvious choice to celebrate Monday’s once-in-a lifetime celestial phenomenon.

“With these cookies, you see, you could burn them and no-one would know,” he said.

With wisdom like that, it’s no surprise that we turn to this brave buccaneer whenever we need guidance on the issues of the day — as in this week’s “Ask a Pirate — Eclipse Edition.”

Dear Cap’n Dan,

As a globetrotting pirate I imagine you’ve seen lots of eclipses, are there any that were especially memorable?

Never Once Seen Eclipse, Yo


No, they’ve all left me in the dark.

They are too short. I can’t find my bed in two minutes and there’s not enough time to go out and cause mischief. It’s just like extended blinking.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

Whenever I think about the sun being blotted out, I get goosebumps all over. Why does the eclipse give me the heebie-jeebies?

Terrified It Might Invite Doom


It’s strange, it’s deep in our DNA, when it gets dark we think it’s the end times or something.

When it starts to lighten up again it’s the best feeling in the world. Then you cross the street and get hit by a car because everyone’s still looking up into the sky.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I’m bamboozled by all the advice on how to prepare for the eclipse. What preparations are you making?

Sorry To Unload My Pre-Eclipse Dithering


I’ve heard you’re not supposed to look directly at it so I’ve dug out my spare eye patch to make sure both eyes are fully protected.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I’ve heard a lot of concern that there won’t be enough toilets to cope with the crowds. Where do you stand on the issue?

Feel Like Using Someone’s Henhouse


Well the answer here is simple. Wait until the eclipse starts happening and the you’ll have the toilets all to yourself. If you absolutely can’t hold it that long, my only advice would be to find a quiet spot and beware of seagulls, they’ll be in foraging mode.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I’m claustrophobic and worried about the crowds. What’s your plan for dealing with all the people?

People Anywhere Near, I Collapse


Nothing clears a path like the sound of a well-oiled cutlass leaving its sheath, particularly if it’s being wielded by a well-lubricated pirate on his way back from the pub.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I take vitamin D supplements and am worried I might become deficient during the eclipse. How can I make sure I stay safe?

Peril Awaits Lilly-white Epidermis

Dear PALE,

I would recommend removing all your clothes before the eclipse to make sure you get enough sunlight to tide you over. Make sure to put them back on again when it gets dark, though. You don’t want to get moon-burn where the sun don’t shine.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I’m traveling to the coast with my husband and eight children to see the eclipse. It’s so hard to keep track of them even in broad daylight. What do I do if I lose my child during totality?

Stressed Chasing All These Tiny Youngsters


Just be sure to include them in your will. They’ll be bound to turn up at the end.

Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop is located at 5070 SE Hwy. 101 in the Taft district of Lincoln City. Opening hours are from 8:30 am to 3 pm every day except Tuesday. To reach them, call 541-996-4600.

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