Pirates, as everyone knows, are very fond of maps. But lists, not so much, at least according to Lincoln City’s favorite baking buccaneer Capt. Dan Draper.

Dan, who greets customers dressed in full pirate garb — complete with cutlass and tricorner hat — said a recent bout of Internet surfing turned up a list of 10 top tips for Spring Break.

“I don’t know why it’s always 10 tips on these lists,” he said. “But I do know that if you have to go online to find out how to have a good vacation, something’s wrong with you.”

Topping any list for a vacation in Lincoln City is Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop, which Dan runs together with wife and chief baker Kathy Draper.

Voted best bakery in Lincoln County from 2009 to 2013, the shop offers its own list of delectable treats — from maple cinnamon rolls to Pirate Eyes (small tarts filled with jam).

Equally impressive is Dan’s prowess as an agony uncle, which he puts to work tackling Spring Break problems in this latest edition of Ask a Pirate.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

We are driving for 10 hours with a four year old and a six year old to get to the beach for Spring Break. How can I keep them occupied on the journey?

Don’t Overestimate Our Mental Energy, Delaware

Dear DOOMED,

Easy. Every two hours, you make them change a tire. Every four year old should know how to change a tire in case they want to take the car out when they are six.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

We have a family reunion at Spring Break each year and we always go out for dinner. How can I finally get my relatives to pay their share of the bill?

Do U Take Credit, Houston

Dear DUTCH,

Take a pointy sword. It works for me every time — particularly when it comes to the tip.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

My family all have strong opinions and we always end up fighting at Spring Break. How can I ensure harmony this year?

Some Children Really Aggravate Pressure Points, Yuma

Dear SCRAPPY,

Sell tickets. You won’t get harmony but at least you will get some money. You will be the big event at the coast and you can come and spend all the proceeds on pastries. I’ll even throw in some raw steak to take care of any black eyes.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I’m thinking about ditching my family and taking off for a quiet week at the beach this Spring Break. Does this make me a bad person?

My Ego Means Everything, Maine

Dear ME, ME, ME,

I think people should have a lot of ‘me time’ at Spring Break. In fact, I think Spring Break should promote narcissism. Don’t walk on the beach, go to a shop that has a lot of mirrors.

But I draw the line at selfies; especially people who use selfie sticks. We need to accept that some people just look better from afar. I think selfie sticks should come with extensions, long extensions in some cases.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

My teenage daughter wants to skip family vacation this Spring Break to party in Cabo. How can I persuade her to stay?

We Outright Refuse Release, Yachats

Dear WORRY,

Why would you want to? If you want a fun vacation, let her go. If you’re worried about how she’ll find her way home, leave a trail of breadcrumbs. I use it all the time — me and 50 seagulls making our way along the Central Oregon Coast.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

We are determined to find one of Lincoln City’s famous glass floats this Spring Break. What tips do you have for a successful day of scouring the beach?

Beach Lovers On Week Of Nostalgia, Edmonton

Dear BLOW ONE,

Look down — and tread lightly. We tell visitors that if they find a float, they should bring it here to the pastry shop — and for a small fee, they can have it back.

I found a float once when my dog stopped to answer a call of nature on the beach. It was a real shock. When I first looked down, I thought he had gotten in to my stash of bubblegum.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

My kids want to go to Disneyland this Spring Break but my wife wants a romantic break at a ski lodge. How can I keep everyone happy?

Darling, I Love Every Mountainside Moment, Albany

Dear DILEMMA,

Well, you don’t wasn’t to go to Disneyland because of the measles; and you don’t want to go to a ski lodge because there’s no snow. So… I suppose I’ve just managed to make everyone miserable.

Never mind; you can always cheer yourself up with a Shipwreck Turnover — probably the only baked good on the seven seas that combines apples, cream cheese and caramel with the sweet bounty of bacon. There’s nothing better when it comes to casting your worries out to sea.

Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop, at the corner of SE 51st Street and Hwy. 101 in the Taft neighborhood of Lincoln City. Opening hours are are 8 am to 2 pm, Wednesday through Sunday. For details, call 541-996-4600 or find them on Facebook.

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